I’m supposed to like…..

….Breakfast in bed

I don’t.  I just don’t get it.  What really is the point of it?  If I’m having to sit up at all I may as well just get up and sit up at a table downstairs and eat.  Sitting up in bed isn’t particularly comfortable anyway, I rarely sit with my legs out straight and you have to stuff 100 pillows behind you to help keep yourself propped up and/or to prevent your head from resting at an awkward angle on the headboard.

On top of that, there is a precarious moment as fork or spoon makes it way from the bowl/plate to your mouth.  At a table, if it falls, it may fall on the table, or in the bowl or worse case in your lap.  In bed it is likely to fall down your pyjamas or on the bedclothes. I don’t know about you but if breakfast in bed is going to cost me 30 minutes in stripping a bed, washing, hanging up and re-making a bed, I just want to skip the bleedin’ breakfast in bed thanks.

Just don’t get it.

I’m supposed to like baths.

Twitter is awash with pics of people legs, reclining in a candlelit bath, bubbles galore with a glass of wine.  I CANNOT think of something that gets me more stressed that this combination of awfulness.  For a kick off, I find baths reeeeeallly boring.  After the excitement of the “ahhh ohhhh ahhhh” as you get into a bath that feels a bit too hot, but you know won’t stay hot for very long, you’re there. Lying there. Staring at a boring tiled wall that probably needs a good mould spray on it. You swoosh a few suds around and then say. “right, I’m done”.

Given the fact you are effectively stewing in everything you’ve just washed off your body (ewww) and if you shave your legs…(ewwww) and wash your hair (clean water anyone?) then I find the whole thing quite unsavoury.  I don’t find it massively comfortable either (see sitting in bed position above) and either your knees or upper body gets cold unless you have a sunken Roman bath of some sort that allows you to swim in it.  Glass of wine?  Where the bloody hell does that go? and as you move positions and your soapy arm gives way on the edge of the bath you end up with wine in your “stew”. Nice!  You can’t read in there because you have to keep one hand dry and learn how to turn pages with one hand, although if you had an iPad or kindle that would help, right up until the point you lose your grip on it and wave £100-£300 goodbye as it sinks beneath the soapy scum of your body soup water.

Sorry — give me a shower any day.

I’m supposed to like Massages

I find them very unrelaxing.  Except the ones where you sit in a chair and they spend 10 minutes on your shoulders and necks and head. Those are ok.  But the ones where you have to strip off and lie down and the pummel you as if you are meat that needs tenderising, you can keep them.  I once had a free full body Clarins massage before my wedding and I have never spent an hour being so tense.  The scrub made my skin hurt and tingle and even after that, all the oil or cream that was rubbed into my skin just aggravated it.  I was self-conscious of bits of my body as well, it was just ghastly.

I find facials relaxing.  They relax my whole body as if I have had a massage all over. I’ll stick to those thanks.

I’m supposed to like Picnics

Now this tends to surprise a lot of people. One close friend really grilled me about it one day and I think I worked it out as a result.  Honestly, I really do not see the point of picnics at all and I think if you really deeply asked yourself, you probably don’t either.

hmmm, that looks comfortable.
Photo courtesy of tilly and the buttons .com

Sitting on the floor! Really?  That’s uncomfortable right there. Legs at right angles again, needing to lean on something, sore bum or having to sit cross-legged.  It’s so…….uncomfortable.  You put your hand out to get up and stick it in dirt/ants nest/mayonnaise/a bee.  WHY CAN’T WE JUST SIT AT A BLEEDIN’ TABLE!

Then there is the food itself.  You spend over an hour creating lots of little bits of food that are wrapped up into little containers and then packed in a big container with cutlery and condiments all in little containers.  You lug it about with you for over an hour, to unpack it somewhere again, open all the tops of, spend 20 minutes swatting insects away from it. It’s warm, it doesn’t look nearly as nice as it did in your kitchen and hour and a half ago.  You can’t find a flat surface for your cup so you have to eat  with one hand, drink with the other and use your elbow to carry out any other important tasks, like not falling over.

It ruins a perfectly good walk to be honest.  I want to eat before or eat afterwards, sit somewhere comfortable, eat fresh well prepared food and then head off to enjoy a proper walk.  Stupid Picnics, always ruining things.

So, what are you supposed to like that you don’t?

PS: worth noting I typed unhappy picnic/massage/breakfast in bed into google images and couldn’t find a single picture.  Really?  Everyone, universally, loves these things?