Losing it!

Me. Losing it.

When you listen to your 18 month old cry and scream for the 2nd hour whilst your 4 1/2 year old asks you if they can do their sticker book, over and over and over again.  That!

I love my children. I really do.  I fought hard for both of them.  My eldest was eventually conceived on our first attempt of IVF.  We were very lucky indeed.  My youngest took a while to come too, due to not knowing if we could conceive naturally and also I was having a major flare up of an inflammatory condition. I went on medication in the April and conceived him in the May.

My eldest girl was very collicky. I refused to admit it at the time (no official medical term exists for colic) but she cried and cried and cried, all day long and all night.  Hubby and I argued a lot and spent a lot of time sobbing ourselves.  He told me once that we mustn’t get so upset about it, we asked to have her and fought hard to get her.  I now know that that was a mistake. We were just as entitled to moan about it as the next person and the extra guilt should never have come into it.

My son was a dream baby. Slept well (still does) and we barely heard a whimper. He’s now very different, very frustrated and very vocal.  I’ve blogged about his frustrating age here.

To top it all of, I’ve recently realised that I am a very highly strung, anxious person.  I know most people don’t adapt to change very well, but I don’t even more so. I rarely manage more than a few minutes of calm searching for something, before losing it, raising my voice, loudly asking rhetorical questions or swearing. I get very angry with other road users too. More so, when I’m under pressure to get from work to the nursery in good time.

The trouble is, although I consider my tolerance to be better than ever, because I think I would have literally exploded if I’d kept up with the way I’d handled things 4 years ago, I still can’t seem to hold it together very well.  All it takes is for 1 or 2 things to go wrong on top of me being in a bit of “funny mood” and I’m so ANGRY.  I have no idea how to manage this anymore.  I do take myself up to my room to rage in privacy as I don’t want the kids to see it and thankfully they don’t so much anymore, but I just wish I could be one of those cool, laid back kind of women who takes issues in her stride and copes.

I am being hard on myself, because I’ve been in some pretty horrendous situations of constant children crying and managed to cope, provided I’m in the right frame of mind.  I’ve also recently discovered that my tolerance level lowers if the place is a mess.  So I’m much more tidier and cleaner than I ever used to be.

Maybe, however, it’s time for me to find some better techniques to coping with the anger.  I don’t think it’s very nice for my kids to see me stressed and I remember being really scared of my mum and her moods.  Where do I look though?  Has anyone got any suggestions?


About freefallinginto40

I am 40 years old. I blog about how I'm coping with my "new" age at www.freefallinginto.com . I'm a married mother to two after years of infertility. I have a 6 year old called Pickle and a 3 year old called The Monster. I work 4 days a week. We are also planning a move to the country! I blog about that at www.ourmovetothecountry.wordpress.com
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6 Responses to Losing it!

  1. Suzanne says:

    Oh gosh I’ve been where you are and can totally sympathize. I had 3 kids under 5 and sometimes I seriously list it and then afterwards I felt so guilty and sad. The first thing is to not feel like you’re the only one. I think taking yourself away is a good idea but if they’re in a rut of continual crying, how about taking them out for fresh air? I always found things seemed much better when I was with other mums with kids. Do you belong to any groups? Things get better, honest!

  2. blog author says:

    I can also relate to your post. I had post natal depression after my kids and it certainly has an impact on the way you are able to cope with the day to day stuff. Basically, you need to see yourself as a cup. All the annoyances of the day add liquid to your cup and eventually it might just be something very small that means the cup runs over. You need to find things to help yourself, take some of the rubbish out of the cup, stop it running over. It could be meditation, doing a craft (with or without children) or maybe having an hour or two off (get someone to look after the kids) Remember that you are important. You need time to unwind and relax, without this you will never empty that cup. For me, I use puzzles as a way to have some ‘downtime’. Take care of you xx

    • Thanks! Lots of good tips there. I was probably PND with first, but nobody asked so I never discussed. I’ve already had a better day by gardening for an hour. It helps that the kids have been on good form.

  3. Unfortunately gardening doesn’t help me very much since then I am just stressed about the slugs and the cat poo! I can really relate – my kids are just the same age as yours, a girl and a boy. I have particularly stressful times of day, like trying to cook dinner. I literally feel like it’s got to be done and on the table in 5 minutes before some kind of disaster occurs. My little one refuses to be anywhere but next to me on a high stool trying to grab sharp knives and nearly burn himself and he’s often crying too, so if my daughter also comes in and asks me for a cup of water so she can make pretend soup in the garden then she cops my frustration and I shout at her, which she doesn’t deserve. We’re only human, and we’re the best we can be. I don’t think it’s anger, I think it’s frustration. But definitely pinpoint the stressful moments in the day and see if you can minimise them, like have all food semi-prepared in advance or get hubby to remove the crying child for half an hour so you can breathe.
    Lots of luck…

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